There are times when I get this inexplicable sinking feeling in my stomach for reasons unknown to myself. The closest description of the feeling I can think of is this: it's as if I've committed a crime while I was asleep or unconscious. This feeling usually comes at night, or before I embark on a big trip. I try to avoid it, but sometimes it just comes, and will not leave. It lingers and nags at me like unfinished work and clutters my inner thinking systems. Suddenly, I am a protagonist in a Kafka novel, carrying the sentence of a great unbeknownst crime. In a way, I think it's good; it helps me live responsibly in order to have a clean conscience as much as possible to avoid any further self-inflicted emotional complications. Yes, my reasons for benevolence is selfish.> But anyway, I hate this feeling. I don't want it. I'm not saying I want to be a sociopath. It's just exhausting.
1 comments:
I get this often. It keeps me from smiling a lot, unless blissfully lost in a moment with other humans, bonding over jokes, pulling me away from myself. For me, I think it makes me sad that I've lost a lot of my memories of childhood, or that I don't have many good memories to hold on to. That, and trauma, compounded with trying to figure out how I'm going to "make it" in life, keep me awake with the sinking feeling and produces very stressful dreams in which I am constantly running, constantly getting out of near death, or the one to commit a death.
I've often wondered if it is due to my regular monthly hormonal changes, but I think it is a deeper seeded issue. I'm scared sometimes I'll sink too much with the feeling. I think it's the toss and turn of the world, the industries we work in, our unresolved traumas. Usually, I take a day or two to read a leisurely book, to solve some math problems, to listen to myself, and, for me, pray and count my blessings.
Like you said, it can become the impetus for your benevolence! And I know that the benevolence stretches to your fans. You influence so many people, give hope to so many girls and women, myself included, for so many reasons.
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