Little gestures

Last Wednesday was my birthday. I am officially in my late-twenties.

And lately I have developed a strange habit. When I wake up in the morning, the first immediate thing I do is put my hands up to my cheeks. I press my palms into each cheek, release, and repeat three or four times...to see if my face feels puffy or bloated.

This has become something of a ritual. It can be seen as a subtle, quirky but harmless gesture. But I know it holds a lot of deeper feelings of my current state. To be a little less obscure (or rather direct), I am concerned about aging and weight gain. Now that I have been working continuously as a model, I view my face and my body in a very different way. It's not just something that holds my soul, my brain, my consciousness: it's what people see and identify, it's my livelihood. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't doing what I do for a living would I get wrapped up in the superficial and the inevitability of gravity and time's force on me. I realize this all seems very vain and vulnerable, two traits I can never accept myself condoning. I tell myself I need to snap out of it and use my time in a productive way, but my hands go back to my face.


6 comments:

Julia said...

Having stayed up the entire night reading your blog, I think it's safe to say that you've change my perception on models as well as given food for thought about simultaneously loving and struggling with what life throws at you. Sounds cheesy, sorry. Soldier on, Soojoo! Such a big fan!

Seraphina said...

Soo joo,

You have continuously been an inspiration to me since I first saw your polaroid shots in 2012. Two years later, I'm 19, and you still continue to be an inspiration to me. What you are feeling is NOT vain at all in my opinion..I know that it's almost reflexive for you now.

I'm not good with comforting people, but I hope things turnaround somehow. I wish you all the best :-)

Anonymous said...

Nothing lasts. Enjoy your life now and accept change as it comes with open arms. I know you and I know what makes you unique is your spirit and not your face (as lovely as it is). It will always shine through, even as time leaves it's marks.

qaezieayeman said...

well life is a spinning wheel , when your up there there will always be a time when you go down and if your continuously at the bottom just wait cause it will go back up someday. stay healthy and never give up! and HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAYS! *whisper if you could maybe follow me on twitter would be nice!

Anna G. said...

you have such a beautiful writing style :)

I totally agree with your sayings; sometimes these little things can really reveal to us unpleasant and things about our selves. If we look closely, we can recognize them and make a change for the better. Everyone tends to get caught up with themselves in life. It's hard not to, because we see things from our own perspectives and not from others'. Since your career choice is so focused on image and beauty, it's difficult not to think about what others thing about you and to be concerned about how you appear. But then again, every one feels that way at some point in life.

I don't mean to call you vain or superficial though; just being able to recognize that means that means you're not! I think it's an inspiration that you can see these things about yourself and put into words such feelings. Thanks for being so real <3

I hope you are filled with peace & joy :)

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