what the fuck when did I write this

This indirect/direct way of trying to get what I need by subtly planting my feelings in those around me has been a way to hide my vulnerability, while still managing to appear as a kind and centered person. I realize I am not alone in this malady. It is all so subtle and so close to our healthy ways of relating to others that we seldom realize the manipulation and deceit involved. Of course, this indirectness lives in us because somewhere along the way, we became convinced, often with good heart’s reason, that to voice directly what we need is asking to be hurt. Yet I know of no other way to reverse this hiding of cool attitude. we are then to catch ourselves humbly in this instance and to rise out of our private cave, admitting that indirectness and saying what we feel and what we need as soon as possible.